Sweet Potato Haircut

on this late autumn Ohio
afternoon when we will walk
the woods (if he can walk
still?) catching up on 23
years of my entire life-
maybe i should think about
how i would sum it up
so far: I used to live in the
dulled muffle of my closed
ears, tucked them in for lack
of cartilage & social
motivation, lived in the suck
of my own thumb more delicious
than food or conversation. I lived
in big windowed ballet class
rooms, mirrored in my disordered
adolescence on every wall, all
those pink & black bodies bowing
for forgiveness & for love
in the slow melt light of sunset–
I lived in looking longingly
out those warped with age
windows. I lived in the mind
of an artist my older brother
told me when i could voice
my spiraling suicide obsession
how could my mind fathom
something that seethes so dark &
violently life ending? I lived
in the love of a woman
who I will never not care
about but who wasn’t
meant for my forever, i live
swathed in love of a family
i couldn’t or wouldn’t want to live
without, i live playing cards
at the kitchen table, i live pretending
i’m not competitive when everyone
knows i will fight ruthlessly & flip
the fucking hands if i sense loss
lurking. i live in the bedroom
of my greatest friend who gives me
everything. i live wading in fear
of the inevitable future ending
in nothingness, potentially. William
said, last night lying at my side
that some day there will be no more
beautiful daisy poems no more
silly Will jokes– someday there will
not be another one.

he says fortunately for him
he will bear witness to many daisy
poems before then & unfortunately
for me there will be many more silly
Will jokes. i lay swimming in dark
crying & laughing, the heat
of his body lighting
my right side with unbearable
comfort. i live loving people
so much i miss them already
even when they are laying
beside me or playing the card
that will seal my fate or crunching
through autumn woods with me. He’s
not my grandpa & i might tell him
everything anyway cuz
there is nothing to lose
in loving. Or i might say
i’m 23 & i don’t know what i’m
doing but that’s right where
i want to be.